"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
