what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
