Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize