I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
