THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
