ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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