Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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