i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
