so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize