Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
