why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
