guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
