how can u be prego again
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
