literally had 100 drinks last night.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
