Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
