3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
