Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
