The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
operation harelip BJ is a go
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
