You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The Olympian is in my bed
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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