I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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