He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
