What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You are a genius and a whore.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
