my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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