White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Even my vagina gasped.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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