when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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