Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
