I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
