no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize