Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
