If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
