According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
