i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
