one might say we're banned from that church
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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