Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
