BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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