That's intense
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
