Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
