You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize