I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
