Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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