i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
