a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
