he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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