Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She needs sedatives and a leash
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
