why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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