I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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