My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
