You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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