they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
