I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
