my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
