maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize