Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We left the knife in your bed.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
