Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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