I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
