it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
