The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
