Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
