I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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