He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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