My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
