go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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