just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
