I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
