it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I wish there were birth control emojis
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
