my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
